So Masha sopposidly made up with me, of course after talking shit to my close friend (more my friend than hers). She messed up this time. She called me to see if I wanted to work out with her, but I was buisy so I couldn't. Then she called my buddy Erica and they worked out, the whole time she was talking shit about me because of that night. Haven't heard from her for a couple of days (one which was my birthday -- that she forgot), then she suddenly invited me to the JCC to see the Israeli scouts and I asked "so u're not still mad at me?" and she was like "no! of course not..!!". That shows weak character on her side. I know she wishes she could stay mad and sacrafice a friend but its probably sad for her because she knows she can not sacrafice a friend. She barley has any, and I was her only true friend so sacraficing me would be pretty bad. Anyways thats it for that. I guess me and her are cool now and we'll pretend like nothing happened, but I'm sure we still have some built in anger for each other (hopefuly that will not come out).

Marcus called me. Weird isn't it. I was pretty rude on the phone, he wanted to come hang out him and his friends and I was just like "you know definetly not tonight, so just call me someother night" ha. Shit was flipped there, if he was really a "pimp" or some shit he would have known better than to call me... well thats done with.

Poor Jason. He called me again, and I was messed up so I was very distracted and told him I would call him back, which I have yet to do.

I have to get my act together all I'm doing is smoking and getting deeper and deeper into a semi bad crowd while leaving people who care about me and a messy room and car behind. When school starts things are going to be so different. It's going to be crazy.

So I hung out with Dan. Ox on my b-day, my friend and a couple of his. It was fun. The only gift I got was from Erica a book called "GET STONED AND READ THIS BOOK" so I got stoned and read the book -- twice. It kicked ass.

CONCLUSION: Always read your horoscope

"Secret affairs will lead to trouble" says my horoscope a day late. No one knew about my date with Marcus. The only one who did was Bridget and she had a bad feeling that next time I should definetly trust. "You will not be able to avoid rumors. Your high energy and flamboyant nature will attract all sorts of attention, so make sure you are recognized for good -- not for bad." That is one thing I have to make sure, that I am recognized for good -- not bad, because I have a lot of good in me... I am not bad, I'm just weak and it's something I need to deal with.
I'm telling you guys horoscope's are always right! So the lesson for the night is:
Always read and trust your horoscope.

Dammit, I feel kind of dumb

So I went out with Marcus. We semi watched Final Destination 2, we left early but the whole time we were "watching it" he tried to get with me. But at that time he still looked like a good guy. We smoked (ooooh big shocker -- i wish.). We went to Carlos's (Megans boyfriend) where some of my friends were hanging out and they all drank, I smoke some more of my stuff and let everyone finish it. At that point Marcus was still looking like a good guy in my eyes. Then I went to drop him off and it happened. I slept with him. I don't know why. I wasn't in the mood. It was pretty bad... well good I mean I got one, or two or three... but then it turned bad. I was late for my cerfew, and my thing down there hurt so bad... he was so big and he didn't take it slow. But for some reason he still looked like a good guy to me then. He lives out in St. Paul and came to sleep at Eagan for the weekend to see me, so he told me to stop by the next day after work and he would call me. So he called. and I stoped by. All day I practiced a lecture I was going to tell him and in my mind it ended happy, but the I saw him, and I told him the night before was the sluttiest thing I've ever done and hopefuly ever will do. And I left out the good parts. And I left. Kind of. Just sat parked in my car thinking for about half an hour. I wanted to cry. I sure had the sniffles.

Masha was mad at me. I haven't talked to her since sunday (when we hung out with Daniel Ox.), and she called me back with a message saying she was very mad at me (took her a while). So I went to her house to try to work it out. Honestly deep down I feel like Masha's losing her self esteem and going deeper into sadness. she used to have so many friends but now she doesn't because of her to cuddly relationship with her boyfriend. But I kept that in. She tried to make it seem like my goal for the night was to impress Daniel on her behalf by making her look bad. She pointed out the bad, and I made her see that us joking around was only a little bit of the night when she was acting like it was my night goal. I wasn't give in to her silly accusations, she's mad because she felt for once I got more guy attention than her even when she threw her desperate silliness at them which normaly always works. So I tried to talk about other stuff but she kept on sounding like she wanted to attack me, so I simply left.

Jason told me the night before that he's liked me for a long time now and he felt like a dumbass for not being able to tell me that and he didn't want to ruin our friendship. So I told him I'd call him the next day. I did. But I was at my saddest moment when I called him and I told him I only called because I promised and I was actualy in the worst mood ever so we'll have to talk later. Poor poor guy I am probably playing with his emotions so bad, but I just can't help my self. I can't deal with another guy... not now. It's sad because he used to be the number one guy.

They say never look back. Well I did. I don't know if it's a mistake or not. I felt so dirty and so wrong. But kind of upset because he said he'd call me again and we could hang out but I felt like he would feel to dumb to call me after the lecture I gave him. So I stopped by his place later on that day. We went to a park. Beatiful weather. But all he tried to do was hook up again. I wonder if I wouldn't have came back that day if he would have called me again, and maybe respected me somewhat. But now I know he doesn't and he obviously got the wrong idea. So I got sad and didn't show it. Like in the old days. Which makes me so much more vulnurable to being taken advantage of which he tried to do many many times. So he put it in me and later took it out. and it hurt... it really hurt. He's not looking like a good guy anymore that's for sure... he probably is deep down but I just look like a skank to him so he feels... I dont know where I was going with that. By the way I'm talking about Marcus. So I went home and felt so... regretted everything. I felt geeze, I have a bad history with guys and that is my problem. I felt down...
But then Jason was online and we were going to chat and I'm sure he would have made my mood semi better...
But then Daniel Ox. called, and we talked for about 45 minutes and he definetly made my mood better.
So poor Jason was left behind.
But guys, they're the one's who get me so down in the first place, how can I feel better when it's a guy cheering me up.
So I told Ox. simply that I had a bad date, and he said "hey can I go on a date with you!" cute. hehe. So we planned one for monday but I'm sure it'll just be a hang out. I know something Daniel doesn't and that is that he is to good for me. At least the sad me.

I'm sick. Don't you guys hate being sick? Waking up at night because the advil wore off and you're feeling shitty as hell??? Yeah that's me now.

So right after I got done writting in my blog Marcus the finest guy ever from the club finaly called me! We chatted for about half an hour and decided to meet up on friday, I'm excited! hope I feel better by then.

So my cusin left. I went to Bon Jovi and Roc the Mic and they both just kicked ass.
Nick and I (black guy acts gay) havent hung out yet but we will cause we've been in touch. He told me in a mysterious hinting way that I am the kind of girl (or just girl) that he wants to be with. It was very flattering he said his future girlfriend should be outgoing, spontanious, silly, mature... all that and then he simply said "wow sharon I dont mean to sound cheezy but I just described you!" How flattering is that!
So mr. popular Mike Elm called me, I was shocked I thought he wouldn't. But he did and he wanted to go to the club with me, but I was buisy that day, so we made plans for this weekend and he said "hopefuly I'll see you or talk to you before that" cool cool!
And more talk about guys!
My friends and I took my cusin to the club. It was an alright night. I didn't really dance with to many guys until I saw one hot hot guy. My friend (guy) was like "I know that guy, Marcus (something) back up on (some) football team" and I said "yeah?? I think he's the hottest one here", then ray (guy friend) said "I heard he has a big dick too" so I said "i'm gonna go make him mine. It was like in the freakin movies, I went over there and his guys made a circles for me so I took all of their attention, then I started dancing w/Marcus and we danced the whole night. I'm telling you I've never danced so good with a guy it was amazing, so he got my number and never called. I know he wanted me!!! So I'm assuming he lost the number or I didn't pick up when he called (because I did get a couple unknown calls on my cell). Gay huh. I'm telling you it was like the movies we had chemistry. Life goes on though : (
I met this other guy Chris at Shooters. I met up with him to get some weed and he gave me a hell lot for free. Ever since he's been calling me everyday. It's so annoying I don't know what to do. I feel like a bitch avoiding him, but sometimes thats just what you have to do.

If you can't tell I am very open to meeting new people and finding a new croud, but it's hard. The first friends you make are guys, and you can't hang out with guys alone because you gotta be careful. And guys normaly end up wanting more than just a friend. But whatever I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing.

For the past two weeks there were only 3 nights I did not party and it sucks. I partied so hard that I have the flu now. I got no sleep, didn't eat good. It's crazy. Im trying to get out of that scene because I dont want parties to turn into my life.

im sick of my "friends" they're so preppy and fony, and iphy and its pathetic. Of course I smoked again, well partially. It seems like its all people do these days. Of course masha boyfriend supplied every one (good way to make friends for them I guess they think), but it was pathetic, we smoked out of a joint, and no one but sam (mashas bf) and I knew how to smoke it, so they ruined the joint, and wasted half of it on slobbering all over it. It was pathetic, waste of brain cells. Why wont people get a life? Weeds cool when you do it once a month maybe a lil more or a lil less, but thats it. Here I am suggesting "lets go to apple river (tubing), shoots and latters (paddle boating), karoke, pool... lets!" and everyone's like "yeah that'd be awesome.... wanna smoke?" So basicaly I need a new croud. But its so hard b/c in order to meet people, you need to be with people. Get it?

Today I saw my buddy Nick at the mall, he's the hot black guy who dressed in the prettiest "intelligent/stylish man" clothing, and he acts one hundred percent gay. I remembered him as gay until he spoke of his ex girlfriend, and then I remmembered he asked me out in 9th grade. lol. But I love the guy and we exchanged numbers, so I hope I get to chill with him b4 he moves to LA to study fashion (wow!).

Yesterday Mr. popular guy Mike Elm paid a lot of attention to me at the hang out. Very flirty, very cool. He didn't want me to smoke with everyone but I told him what does it matter because he'll probably act like he's never met me before next time I see him (he's got a tendency to do so). But I gave him my number and hopefuly shit will go down, b/c when he gives you the time of day I have to admit he is awesome.

My cusins still here from Israel, going back to nerd camp tmrw. I'm meeting up with Yael during lunch break. Hope that'll be cool.
So I gained weight in Israel and non of my pants fit me. This isn't even a joke, because my friends are loving making fun of my love handels, and I just don't feel right in my clothes. you'd think gaining weight so fast would make u lose it fast too, but thats not the way things go. I want to go shopping and get rid of my size 1 jeans, and extra small shirts, but I have to wait till my cusin leaves on saturday.
NEXT WEEK: all I have to say is Bon Jovi concert tuesday, Rock the Mic thursday, it's going to be kick ass.

so i just wrote a whole long update and it frickin got erased. basicly, i spoke about getting trashed last weekend. being high right now and going to nerd camp and making cool nerd friends. yeah its tight. i got rollerblades and that makes me happy. but yup. night time. bye.

so fourth i was at the taste of minnesota - nothing special. next day saturday went back to the taste got picked up by a coupleguys it was sweet (could have been the mini skirt), then me and four buddies went to jasons buds cabin party, 'cept for we were the only girls but it was kinda sweet. we swam in the lake, got trashed, then.... man... i was trashed and i did some emberracing shit... im kinda ashamed, but i didnt hook up w/no one or something like that. but the party was the highlight of weekend. now im going to nerd camp w/the cousin and making friends while studying "world religion". yeah, buisy scheduel. I got high last night second time since i've came back to mn. I wish there was more shit to do here, i wish people were fun and creative or were willing to use my creativity, then we wouldnt have to party so much b/c honestly there not much to partying. but i love weed. mmm... i ate so much tonight, munchies were lovely. mash and I split 20 buffalo wings from kfc then bought brownies and byrles it was lovely you know i gained like five pounds. mmm. weed is pretty lovely. i think i want a boy friend just cause i hang out w/mash so much and she has the best relationship w/her bf of six months who by the way is about to fuck her (his first) yeah shes telling everyone its cute. im going to sleep bye!

Stress
So I'm back... for a good couple days now. Already worked three days, and have no jetlag.
for a while there I was really stressed. I didn't get to spend the begining of my vacation with friends, all friends I met in the begining of the summer I lost touch with because I was gone in Israel, and now I have no time to do what I want, because I have to be with my cusin! Now was not a good time to invite him over, he should have came later in the summer because I'm getting no privacy, freedom or me time. I run everymorning when I work (7:30-8:30) with school, then I come home to sleep two hours and go to work and noon till 7:15. Then I come home and have dinner and have to take my frickin cusin out. What I hate about him is that for everygood thing I say he has a bad comment to make the good not worth anything.
Good thing is mom, brother and cusin are out of town today (the fourth!) till sunday, so.... pheww... lets take advantage of that.
Jason invited me to go to this dudes party at some cabin and to sleep there. It's supposed to be kick ass. I really want to, and I could easily do that if I had one friend who would join but girls are girls, the pretend like they're something, and then you find out they're not shit! damn it.
well bye bye!