Pimpin It
Tickets to the Wild, thank you Deven!
But even though we haven't talked (Jason) I still wonder what the possibilities are. You're the first guy whos liked me for me, and I regret having missed out on the chance of being with you. However I did and still do like you for you. Oh man. What do I do.
Dating Deven, Carlos, and Evan Buyers once again has sparked an interest in me. I wouldn't mind going around kissing them all, but that's slutty and not right. Who do I chose when I think I only want Jason. But I probably can't have him.
It's weird to think the days when I feel hot I had no guys. But now that my self esteem has been slightly altered I feel guys are all around.

Oh the drama
I found my self shocked by how excited I was to run into Jason at the club. When he called me earlier this week I realized how ify I felt about us ending things bad and not being in touch. So he invited me to a party, and we talked on the phone for about an hour, just like old times. We talked and none of the conversation felt forced on. We just kept on having more and more to say (hope he felt like I did). And I went to the party and he was like a big brother. He made sure I was safe, always kept an eye on me, gave me advice, even made my frickin bed. And he's a great guy because he has never tried to make a move on me. When we liked each other and semi dated, he liked me for me and no other reason. I hate admitting this but in the past I never thought I was good enough for a guy to like me for who I am, so I made them like me for my looks or my reputation. It amazes me to see a good person who can deal with emotions in the head rather than the dick, and I kind of wish and hope you'll crush on me again, because I might be crushing on you. I just wish I could go back to last summer and be as mature than as I am now. I have no doubt that we could have had something special. I hope I wont have to wait a couple more months for you to call me again. And out of all the people I know in this world you're one who has made an impression on me and unknowingly helped me define who I am.

And sometimes I wonder if the people I write about were to read my blog would they be honored or freaked out. I hope honored!

BOYS
It's hard being pretty. It's tiring being wanted. And its not that I like it nor hate it (fine I like it... just a bit!) but it's just the life I'm living. Some people are all about their best friend, and I am always aware that my best friend and I sometimes despise each other so I'm all about the guys. And there are to many of them. After complaining for months saying "let the romance begin" it has begun. Chase: will this ever end? Carlos: A guy I wish never happened Deven: you bring excitment to my life and it's kind of fun. I just hope I am strong enough this time not to play with your mind. Mike: Now you're asking me if we can once again be best friends and inviting me over to help you study. I just wish we could go back to what we had but I can't, and I dont know if you're even willing. Jack: we better do something this weekend Rob: yes I want to hang out with you too. Some people have hobbies to keep them buisy, and I just flirt with guys. But I wish I could be expecting a valentines. But I wont.

Enjoy
I'm frustrated that it took me so long to understand that it's okay to be sad and you have to acknowledge those feelings for them to go away. I'm frusterated that it took me so long to realize that I can enjoy my life with out abusing it. If I live my life properly eventualy I'll get everything I deserve. I'm weirded out remembering how I used to be excited by the thought of highschool as if it was going to be some kind of fantasy. But highschool is reality, and coming into college I will be reminded of this thought.

I just want to be done dealing with guys, because they don't see me for who I am. They see me for what they want me to be, and I'm not that. I'm not ms. innocent and I'm not a slut. I am me and the next guy I'll be with will realize it, but until then I'm going to go solo. I'm done pretended that I'm something I'm not, because in reality there's not a better Sharon than the Sharon that I truely am.

Life is easier said than done, but hopefuly I will be strong enough to do as I say and keep on feeling how I feel. and then I'll get the reward, because I'll deserve it.

Nightmares
Is it my nightmares that cause me to be in a bad mood everyday or is it my bad mood that causes my nightmares?
I just want them to stop.

Thank God.
To think I could have been walking around with a two year old baby now. To think that I was rapped three years ago. I really should not be complaining. Thank god for the life I am living today and for all the opportunities that will be present tommorow.

MUNCHIES
I wonder if all of those munchies that I get is what prevents me to turning back into a stick thin girl like I always used to be. Everytime I smoke I eat enough for a day an a half. But I love the muchies, and if I start getting fat then I'll just work out more!
New topic (predictable:) MIKE.
Thanks Masha for talking to him for some odd reason. No thanks Mike for not telling me how you feel but being able to tell other people.
So we all hung out on friday. All the girls, then Evan, Mike and Leom. We split up. Everyone went to perkins, but Katie and I went to be with other people. Masha asked what the hell ended up hapening between us two, why the hell did he reject me? (after dating me for a month and a half and showing 110% interest in him liking me). He says he freaked out because I unexpectedly asked him whether or not he liked me, and he didn't want a relationship. To bad you could have told me that. But he ended up according to everyone looking sad and trying to change the subject after admitting to really liking me. Well Mike you still fucked up because you are telling other people things you should be telling me. At least now I know I wasn't some slut to him and that he actually likes me.
Closure? No. But it's getting a little better. (I just want Mike to miss me and be my valentine - I want a valentine this year since I haven't had one since 8th grade! I can't graduate highschool w/o ever recieving a valentine in it!! at least I hope I don't).
At least now I can stop being so bitter when I see Mike, and quit making him really jelous by having other guys flirt with me. Maybe we'll chat some more and I'll occasionaly walk with him in the hall. We'll see, but I feel better since I know he didn't use me for a good kiss. And I wish he knew he wasn't a good kisser until he kissed me

Ms. Complaints
That would be me. Ms. Complaints. I do complain a lot. I don't know when I became such a big complainer. I mean, over all life is good. Of course I am at a frustrating time in my life, I'm scared about applying to college so instead I find other things to occupy my mind - Mike. I could have forgotten about you and not cared if it wasn't for you calling me when I was in Jamaica, The day I got back, the next day and the day after that. And I still see you in school everyday and I feel like we're competing for opposite sex attention. So far I have like ten points and you have like one. But it upsets me that I think you might be playing the same game I'm playing on you. You rejected me, let me win this game. But it doesn't really matter because college right now is all that matters. College and not starting my senior slack. But I am excited to go clubbing with all of my school boys and show them how I am the hottest dancer around -- because I am : ) And I am excited to hang out with Jack because you are way hot. Way hot. And cool.
NEW RULE: Every other time I find myself bitching I'm going to shut up and look at the positive side. Deal.

Roller coaster
Its kind of scary sometimes how low I get. My mood changes so often, but not from highs and lows. More like from normal to extremly low. Yesterday when I got back in town all I wanted to do was bitch.. and cry... and cry some more. But now all I want to do is take my braids out.
I do have reasons to be sad, upset and antsy... I have many and there is nothing I can do! !College. Where do I go, where do I apply, how do I know that the college I'm applying to is anything like I'd want? and applying is so much moneyfriends all bull shit. Mike more bullshit. Calls me, but in public ignored me. Bull bull bull shit. bug bites go away! Weed I think I've had enough.
But Hagar called me and invited me to Hilites surprise party, and it makes me happy that she thought of me.
I just wish there were more Naomis, Nadias, Nicks, and Roxans in this world. Then things would be a lot better.