dance dance revolution - how can i not be inlove!
naomi you kick ass : )
it's funny, if I wouldn't have read the entry i wrote last night (friday) I would have never rememebered how low I felt last night. Until another low moment. This blog thing is such a good thing for me. With out it I block out my bad thoughts and pretend they're not there, until more bad thoughts appear and then they add up to one big BLA and I explode!...... but -- thanks to this blog I am aware of my emotions, forcing me to think about how I feel and why... and what I can do to change things... yup yup... diarys kick ass woo-woo.

And back to the topic of Randy. Still, five months after breaking up the last words that come out of my mouth everynight is "I love you babe, forever and always - mwah" I just wish he could hear.

a bunch of bla
So I'm on my period again. That's what happends if you forget to take you pills two days in a row, you get your period and it doesn't stop - lesson learned. I went to the school football game tonight and it made me wonder, how stupid can a person get, and how do people become popular. It's funny to think that I was once popular. Thoughts are just running through my mind.
Why did we want to find a party to go to tonight when non of us were in the mood to do a thing? We say we feel like being sober now, but would that all change once we do something. It's sad how much time Masha spends with her boyfriend. It literaly disgusts me, and I told her that tonight. I mean she asked. I'm glad we're both on the same page, we completly understand each other when it comes to words, but it's easier to speak than do. So I made it clear to Masha, words let us know that we both understand each other, however actions are the truth. You can understand why someone's mad at you, but that's not going to change with words, it can only change with actions.
I'm starting to lose it. I caught my self wondering a few times this week if I am at all loveable. It's funny, I am like everyone else - I have plenty of friends and I meet plenty of guys and go on plenty of dates. But for some reason there are times when I forget that and seem to think that I have no friends, no guys every like me... but it's not true. I only feel that way because I do not like any of my friends, I don't get a woo from any of the guys. And I just wonder if I'll ever meet the one. Yeah, deep thoughts in a young womans head. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this. But whenever I'm stressed it leads me to one main thought: I can not wait to see Randy... I wonder how is Randy... Does he miss me? Does he ever think of me? Am I still a big part of his life, because I swear Randy walks with me everyday. He experiences everything I do with me. I just wonder if things are the same. I just wonder.
And that's all I've got to say, because that's all I really want to know. When I get sad I just wish I could drive to Randys and knock on the door and surprise him with a big hug and a few tears I couldn't help shedding.
I'm so lonely. I have friends, yet no one to talk to. I have guys, but no one to love. I have thoughts, but no one to share them with... and I have pain, that makes me just want to say fuck it and seperate my self from the rest of the world.
But I'm just being a silly girl. I'll wake up tommorrow and pretend like this never happend. I'll get calls from people I don't care for. And for a while I'll pretend like I care about these pathetic people and pathetic parties, and I'll be a part of them. The whole time feeling alone.

I GOT PLAYED
Yeah, read what I wrote Aug. 19. I feel dumb. So I went on a date with that guy Curt on Tuesday the night before I went out of town. I was out of town for half a fucking week and now Curt is my phony friends boy friend. I feel dumb. I feel low. Her name is Jennica. So she hung out with Curt at one party, and he asked her out. She already knows that she's going to Homecoming with him and the fucking school year didn't even start. It's the same story I had with Curt they were wasted at a party and hooked up, he called her later that night to tell her that he was thinking about her --- exactly what he did to me. And now they're fucking going out as in boy friend and girl friend. And the worst part is that if I wasn't out of town that would have been me being his girl friend. I guess I should just be happy that me having anything to do with him got stopped before it became serious or anything. But damn. I just do not get it. I'm funner than Jennica. I'm hotter. I have more friends. I'm real, and she's fake. Hey I hang out with her, and go to her parties but that's only because she's trying to be part of MY fucking clique. But I just can't believe I got played. The funniest thing is that Jennica's so desperate that even though she knows that Curts doing her like he did me (Party -> hooking up -> calling to say he missed her/me) Jennica doesn't seem to mind, she's satisfied by the thought that she got a guy that's hot this time to like her. The sad thing is that they're supposed to go on their first date this week, and like he did to me they're going to the movies.
I JUST CANT BELIEVE I GOT PLAYED BY A WHITE BOY!!!
seriously all I fucking did was go out of town for half a week... what a fucking diss. Even though I know this guy's most likely bull shit, and Jennica's a loser that completly lowered my self esteem. I mean I actually got excited about this boy, shit. It just makes me feel like "Is it me? was I not good enough? am I the loser? am I not fucking ditsy enough for him??" I mean geeze I'm sorry I didn't give him any play on the first date, was that it? I hate this. This is what we call high school bull shit and it's definetly not for me. What a bitch.
So to make this long story short: I GOT PLAYED BY A WHITE BOY AND NOW I FEEL PRETTY DUMB.
THE END.

Dating
Yeah I've been dating guys. And you know that excitement a guy can give you... that excitement that tells you you would like to see him again. Yup, I got that. I've been excited for this date for a while. This guy caught my atention the moment I saw him, lets just put him in the "FIIIINE!" category. I met him at a party and he promised he'd come to a party the next night to see me, which he did. And we were wasted. And we hooked up. It was adorable because it was both of our first hook ups for the summer. I gave him my number and my screen name (he asked) and he called me later that night to tell me he was thinking about me (AWWW!) then he called the next day to see if we could go to a movie. So we made a date. And we went. A few uncomfortable silences but hey that happends. The guy is kind of shy, but he's awesome. I dont know what it was, but even though I've had better dates something made me actualy want to see him again. To bad I'm going out of town tmrw, and I can't wait till I get back to see him again. How fun is that? A guy finaly got me excited. So the date ended with a hug and a peck on the cheeck from him. I dared to give him a peck on the lips. And that was that. I'm excited to see him again. And that's all for now.
If we had a drink I would cheer it to a good new friendship (or maybe a little more)

Back to life, back to reality

I'm in the right state of mind right now. I'm focused. I'm back to reality. Summer's pretty much over, now's the time where I beging preparing for the school year to begin.
I started cross country monday. Of course it was hell. But thats the whole fun of sports, it's hell, but you get to go through hell with other cool people.
This summer was a blast. I had a lot of fun. Of course it started with me meeting a bunch of new people. Then I was in Israel and that's garuanteed fun. I came back and got to have some crabby days with my cusin. Then I had my pot smoking days (when I would smoke at least twice a day). Then I had a short period of drinking and puking, I even bought my own liqour and threw a little drinking party in my own basement. And in between all of that of course was work, working out, eating more food than I probably should have, and nerdy ol' summer camp. Yeah, this summer was fun.
But now I'm a school girl - clean. No drugs (fine maybe some... sometimes). But I haven't done any smoking or drinking so far this week (.... shit that is a lie i did once). Now I'm into college searching and cross country. I decided I really want to go to St. Kate's... yeah yeah cut me the slack I know it's an all girls school. But who said that was a bad idea anyways? I visited many colleges and St. Kate's is the only one I felt at home. Plus it's not a party school, it's a good healthy enviroment for me to be in. And when I feel like partying I'll call someone from some other college and party. No problem. Anyways I'm blabbing again but I just can't emphasize enough how badly I want to go to St. Kates. I hope I get it, but I've got a whole year to improve, apply, and find out.
I'm going to sleep. good night.

OH SHIT...

So it hit me today... School - it hit me.
It's coming, everyday it's getting closer and closer. I already know my scheduel:
Mon-Friday: 7:20-2:15 school
2:30-4 or 5 or even 6 cross country.
In between that do homework, work once at the bank and tutor once at temple of aaron.
Sat.: 7:45-3:15 work at bank
Sunday: tutor for talmud torah for frickin free.
Oh man... oh man... oh boy! I just got slapped in the face. I need to clean up.

So girls are bitches, and guys are tag alongs. and I'm sick of that bs. Can't people get brains? What does it take around here to find a fricking smart person??? That's all I've got to say.... but I have to repeat this: Girls are stupid shallow competitve along with revenge bitches, and guys are simply sex diging tag alongs... That is all for tonight.