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Waaaaaaa, I'm crabby.

Oh the Pain
Note to self: Do not fuck around while drunk on hard surfaces.

I'm pretty sure my back is swollen and bruised. I iced it, took a bath and am taking advil. I still can't walk straight. I have two bumps on my head, three bruises by my elbows and three bruises including swelling on my back. I should have just called this entry when drunk experience go bad. haha. ouch.

Wow. I almost forgot on 4-20 that it was 4-20! Imagine I, Sharon (weed lover) sitting in a staff meeting for Thomson West taking notes.
"what's the date today" I asked, allowing myself to keep my notes organized.
"4-20" As I start writting the numbers down I thought to myself HOLLY SHIT!!!!!!!
Yesterday was 4-20 and I was about to waste it, being sad. Haha, yeah right.
Jason took me out : ) He told me I could pick any resturaunt I wanted, as expensive as I wanted. There is no such thing as a guy who can treat a girl better than Jason treats me. And I'm not talking about material things, even though that is given to me too. He always says more than just the right things to say at the right times.
Yeah, 4-20 was fun... I miss 4-20.

I HATE COLLEGE
I hate college and I'm not even attending one. But come one now, there is no such thing as the perfect school. I hate negativity but that's what I have become. I swear I have reasons, and I'll tell you why. St. Thomas doesn't give you need based scholarships, they give you scholarships based on what they have, and how much your parents earn (as in lets fuck over all the people who aren't rich and snobby, and suck up to them richies). That's just a smack in the face, can I really attend a school that costs $1,000 dollars a year less than Clark charges, however is demanding $6,000 more a year than any of the five school I have been accepted to? Why pay so much for school when you're going in there figuring you wont even be happy there. And I hate to sound bad, but Clark has no pretty people, and it's smack in the middle of the ghetto - I was afraid to roll down my windows. But forget the ghetto - it's a wonderful school, filled with wonderful diverse students and none of them are the least bit attractive. I know I sound like the dumbest most imature person on the earth right now, but come one now, I would feel so weird being happy around everyone who makes up for their body weight by decorating it. I need people who are like me, need to work out for a living and look good for them selves (and to satisfy my vision). And Tampa would have been an automatic yes with it's perfect location, better education that any school I've applied to, good parties, good activities... but every one's richer than the Selas. And that's not me the overall student lacks an understanding for money and how hard it is to have, and it lacks an interest in personal growth and careers. People aren't at the school to grow as a person and to educate themselves (not until Jr year at least) they're there to party up their next stage in life. And that is not for me. Now we're left with St. Kates and Hamline and can I please just say self explainitory and move one?
Now let me explain to you how I view my life. It's like when a guy likes me, I always feel pretty whether I'm liked or not, but then if a guy likes me he has to like me for my personality. If he likes me for my looks then I start getting concerned with them and I try to make them better, and then I just feel ugly and depressed.
Or it's like going to a car dealership. I could walk in and my parents could point out any little first car we see and I would get it with out ever wishing I had a better car or whatever. But if we start looking around, I get into it and I just keep on wanting something better and better, until I forget the cost of the car and find ways I could pay it off. Then I would never be satisfied with buying the first little car we see.
Or else life is like your environment. I always thought I had a great job for a girl my age - a teller at the bank. You talk to people surrounding you and they're all impressed. But then you go to your own job and they'll laugh at you for your low position and expect you to some day (sooner than later) get a better job - out of the company.
Yeah, I know my three explanations didn't make sense and that is because I feel satisfaction in life is nothing more than insanity. I mean if I actually dated Randy for 1 year and nine months, and somewhere after a year I was ready to break up with him, until I had second thoughts and for a while convinced my self that he was who I wanted and that I was happy with him - that is nothing more than insantiy and an extreme case of it too.
WHAT SHOULD I DO. I hate college. and I hate higschool. and I hate my job. I hate so many things. and I don't feel like I can allow myself to relax and start enjoying them, because that would be overpriced or underpaid insanity. But I can't start searching for the best, because there is no such thing.
So next time I'll hear of someone jewlery shopping, and that they bought very simple diamond earings on sale for $200 dollars, I'll feel bad for them because they are living in an overpriced insanity filled world.
I wonder if anyone feels the way I do.
For some reason I doubt too many people do.

Just some thoughts.
I do not like Minnesota. I do not like Florida. I do however like warm weather. Now I'm going to be checking out Massachusetts , but whats the point? Didn't I only want to go out of state for warmer weather? Isn't it the winter that depresses me? Or is that just the way I am, depressed. I mean I have good days and moments, but when it comes down to it, I'm not a happy person. But I'm changing. I've came from denying it and pretending, to accepting it and admitting. Next step is to change what makes me sad. But now I have to figure out what that is. So does location really matter?

Friends. Last time I can recall loving my friends is middle school. Anytime after that I can't seem to care about too many people. I don't call too many people my friends, because I don't see them as friends, but they see me as one of their best friends if not best. It's funny that the few people I call my friends are the people I see and speak with the least. That came out wrong... what I mean is the people who I know are my friends are those that are always there for me no matter what school I'm attending and the distance between us. They're the people I can hang out with a year later and feel like we barley missed a day. And I'm wondering if I'll meet more people like that in upcoming years. How can I if I haven't met more than a couple in the past four years I spend in highschool.

I'm starting to get attatched to Jason. In the past I've hung out with guys and dated them, until I start caring about them, and that's when I leave and start dating more random guys, because I don't like to deal with the possible fear of rejection and I leave before it would hurt for more than a day. I did that to Jason before, last summer. And I felt like doing it to him a couple weeks ago again (breaking up that is). But then I realized it's only because of my fear of commitment. And it's cool that we hung out in the summer, quit talking, and when we started hanging out again it was like we were friends all along and didn't miss a day. So I stayed, and am still with him and having fun. Now I'm past the point where I can just leave the relationship, I'm actualy starting to care. And it's nice to see that he cares back and it's nice that he brought up this topic, and everything I've just said now, I said to him and he feels the same.

So back to college, remember how I spoke of the person with the "ultimate answer". Well, it's not so "ultimate" anymore. Tampa's filled with discrimination and rich spoiled students who weren't afraid to show that they just went shopping at some spendy department store. But the question is, can I just ignore that and make the best of Tampa, or would I be better off here where I'm used to my life and my problems. Hmmm.... Good question huh?

Mood Swings
After my little breakdown - a day of depression, suddenly I can't wipe this cheasy smile off of my face.
Rare moment in history:
Loved or Lost? the answer is loved, or at least for now.
Does this entry make any sense?
Can't tell.
Don't care.
Goodnight.

Wait, by the way!
March 28th entry - I found the person and the 'uiltimate answer'. It was amazing. I was at lifetime at 12:30 AM on a school night (I know, I'm weird, I just really felt like working out!). This girl from Kentucky started talking to me. We chatted for an hour in the dressing room, and at the end of the conversation I told her that I kept on telling people the same story I told her, in hope that some one will have the solution that will get rid of all my doubts, and I was leaving that conversation with the advice I was looking for. I know, again - I'm weird. But it was cool. I donno, it was cool. YES: I was sober.