Rejection and Acceptance
I got rejected by Mike.
I got accepted into Hamiline.
I hate you Mike for leading me on. I hate you for going around and telling people "we're like best friends" then not calling me anymore. I hate you for running into me at the movies last night. I hate it. A couple days ago I was talking about how there are only a handful of people you run into in your life that you would just rather do without. Likewise there are situations like that and I'm scared that you're one of them. Those situations your in that are always uncomfortable and you try to adjust but you can't until they're out of your life. I hate you Mike you fucking led me on and I know you feel uncomfortable and sorry for that. But I can't consider you a friend because friends are truthful with each other.

I got interviewed by Hamline on thursday and an acceptance letter already that saturday (two days later). I guess I made a hell of an impression. I don't want to go to Hamline though. I don't want to stay in state. What if I just want to move to Israel and join the frickin army like all these crazy american jews are doing. I just want to get out of minnesota and away from lame people that try to entertain themselves by drinking and smoking EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT. Get a fucking life. Nerds are to nerdy for me. And the party people are fucking losers. No one knows how to have fun and I just need to get away from this shit.

I am so glad I'm going to Jamaica. It's perfect timing because I would just be in hell staying here in MN with this Mike situation and friends situation and not knowing what I want to do with my life.... and having a big uncomfortable zit on my cheeck!
And I tried to call Randy to tell him I got accepted to college but I should have known... he didn't pick up. Fucking scardy cat. It's all because you owe me to many things and you owe yourself a new life. Trash. I wouldn't mind spitting on you.

Chase
I hate being reminded of my past mistakes but life is a learning experience. You fuck up once and never again.

I wonder Sometimes

Jeremy Kemp. You told me you were always attracted to my confidence and self hapiness that all these white suborben girls lack. I remember when we started flirting. Third trimester sophmore year. You were some hot hot hot shit back then. GOD did I want you! You would write me notes everyday and propose to me. I would always get that tingle in my stomach when I would see you. It's not sophmore year anymore. We're both seniors and you're still writing me notes and proposing to me. Now you're asking me on dates. Three times you've asked me on a date and I keep on rejecting you. I've caught kids asking me bluntly infront of you "geeze is he seriously obsessed with you or what?". That's to bad. You are hot. You are fun. You are someone I did once really like and I'm sure I still could be liking you... but... you ditched me this summer. I don't care how depressed you were, you ditched me to many times this summer, so keep proposing to me, writing me notes and asking me out on dates. My answer is no.
But it feels good to be wanted : )

NEW TOPIC: NADIA MACABEE.
You're an inspiration. You are the girl that was always teased in elementry school for your unique style. You since day one have always been yourself, one who is much different from others and you weren't afraid to show it. You are beautiful and intellectual and I admire you. You waited for the right guy and he finaly came. Good for you! I'm happy. You two are inlove, you love your friends and just got accepted in to Brown - you're number one college. You told me today that you life is perfect and there is nothing you would change and I admire that. You have worked hard all your life, and have always been true to yourself and it has paid off. You are one of the people I respect the most -- and I don't respect a lot of people! It just makes me happy to see people like this. There should be more people like Nadia in this world. Individuals. Not people who describe themselves simply on material things. Good. I'm glad.

If I was in Israel right now, I would be preparing myself for the army. However I'm in America and I'm preparing myself for college. With all honesty if life didn't have it's weird expectations I would never consider the army nor college, I would just live life to it's fullest work and have some fun. It's just weird to think that I am getting myself all worked up about college when I could be just as worked up about the army right now, just because that's the accepted thing. That just makes me think how much the society we live in affects our personalities and our values. In a world where college was more an option than the 'excpected thing to do after highschool' I would never consider a four year college. Maybe take some classes of interest but only for self development. Ahhh..... just imagine, if we were raised differently who knows maybe we wouldn't care about guys, friends, money... our values could be completley different and so would our personalities. So who are we anyways? We all just use material things to define our selves, and then we try to say we are not materalistic. pshh... BS.

Basicly I have a college interview and for some odd reason I'm scared.

...boo.... sometimes shit just sucks!!!!!!!!!!! sucks!!!
.............................................but cassie's coming over so i'm glad. yey!

(and once again...) Mike
I'm so frusterated I don't know what to write!
I want you. What else can I say? I'm a giver, and I do not give to guys. But I will give to you if you are my boyfriend. I do not mean just sexualy (but god damn that would be nice!). I want to be able to buy you a christmas present and not feel awkward. I want to be able to hug you at school and not have to worry about explaining to people how I'm unsure if we're going out or not. I want to hear more about you and things you like. I want you to take me snowboarding like you asked, and I want to try swing dancing with you like we talked about.
What else can I say. I'm just scared. Because I used to be known as a slut and in my past I believed that. So it scares me to think what if he just wants some. What if he doesn't even like me as a friend... But that can't be. I don't know what I'm stressing out about. He can't not like me or just want to get some if he hangs out with me at least three times a week. Coiuld he? Nah, it can't. Because all we've done until yesterday was make out. He tried to feel me up once but I pushed him away and I know he respects me because he hasn't tried to take things further since.
But I'm just scared. As far as I know he could be this cuddly with another girl.
If you knew Mike you would think I'm crazy for thinking like this because he's nothing more than the nicest guy.
I just want to know whether or not I'm special to him because he's special to me. But I'm to scared to ask. It just makes no sense for me to make a demand for him to be my boy friend or not. Because either way I wont be able to stop myself from kissing him so whats the point.
I just want to get laid. I just want less stress. I just want to feel pretty and for Rylies boyfriend to quit calling me (& not her) drunk. I just want the perfect body and I want more free time. I want my room to stay neat. And whole new wardrobe while I'm at it. God, I just want so much. But if I could chose one want right now it would be for Mike to quit being so shy and just tell me what he wants. Because right now we're aimlessly dating and it's a hell lot of fun.
I dont know.