And the question of the day is...
How do you tell a grown-up to grow up?
My mom. She lets her low self esteem get the best of her. I love her. But sometimes I feel as if I hate her. I was gone for almost a week in Kansas city. I got back and she decides to yell at me for never spending time with her. HOW STUPID IS THAT. She was bitching while I was eating lunch with her. I eat diner with her every night even when I can't afford to. Last year she requested that I eat diner with her twice a week and now I do it every week night and thats still not enough. GOD. Sometimes I wish my mom was wiser. Because it really hurt my feelings to have her bitch at me first thing when I come back in town.

Mike
I hate admitting I like someone especialy if I don't know if they like me back. But I like Mike. He's so cute!
We hung out for the first time this weekend on friday. I ended up seeing him sat. and sunday too! I kissed him saturday. And he called me sunday to see how I was. We talked for about an hour and then I went over to his place. It was fun. We have a lot in common. I have so much fun hanging out with him, that I couldn't tell if he likes me as a friend or more. But Masha just told me she talked to him today. and he told her he likes me. Ooooooh! blush blush.

oh man
John said he can't stand being sober. This week I couldn't agree more. Of course I've been sober for over a week, but I'm not happy sober. I'm hyperly angry and filled with boredom. All I want to do is smoke.
And Mike I like you. You are so cute! But she told me that you're a player. Could that be? How, but you're so sweet! It seems like every guy these days is a player. At least the ones I go for and that sucks. Well I still hope we hang out because my sophmore year crush on you is coming back.
... And I'm concerned that I'm to easy. Not that I've hooked up with anyone for a while. But in my head when I think of what I would do hanging out with a guy I like, the first thought in my head is JUMP ON HIM AND HOOK THE HELL UP! That would be nice if I could do... but... I'm silly, I don't even know. It's not like there is a guy I will be hooking up with right now. So what am I worrying about.
I'm lonely.

FORGET IT
Forget everything I said earlier. I'm sick of this shit. I have no free time and it sucks. I go to school, then I go to evening school, I work, I tutor and I volunteer work. I do not have one free day a week and it sucks. I feel like I'm sacraficing my hapiness for other activities. What sucks the most is that I feel that every activity is equaly important and right now it's looking like there is not one activity I can drop.
I have One B- in school and the rest are A's. I feel like my grades aren't good. Why? Because I can do better. If I only had the time I could have an A (or A-) in EVERY SINGLE CLASS I'M TAKING. But I do not have the time.
And I'm addicted to working out. It depresses the hell out of me that I can't work out. I'm used to having the perfect figure, and it just freaks me out to think that I don't have enough time to work out and maintain the figure I currently have.
And Guys. I'm so sick of having to turn down guys that I like because I don't have enough time for them. I WANT TIME FOR BOYS. I'm young, and I may be the hottest now than I'll ever be... and same to the guys I'm interested in. So let me have my fun! I just get so sad when I have to turn down a guy (like mike, evan...) just because I don't have time for them. As if they believe that. And then I end up looking like a fool.
I'm sick of this shit.

Lying on my bed I saw my sleeping pills. And for a split of a second I wished I didn't have the brains and maturaty that I have now. I thought for that one split of a second how peaceful it would be if I would overdose. Because that way I would be forced to do nothing! So I would have to quit all these stinkin activities, and do nothing until I'd be "mentaly and physicaly stable". It would be so peaceful, and I would get such joy out of having to be bored for about a week or so. Just because the only time I'm allowed to get bored right now is in school, and that's not the kind of boredom I want.
Now don't freak out. I would never overdose on pills, or do such a thing. That was just a way for me to express my fustration to my buisy life that does not satisfy my teenage needs.

I'm doing everything I used to, but this time it feels a little nicer, because Randy's not in the back of my mind and I'm glad.
I really did get that perm. It looks good.
My sophmore year crush (mike - he's a jr) he called me this friday, but I couldn't hang out with him that night. But I was so happy... because he called! I want him to like me. That would be nice.
And last week Masha started acting like herself again. She's the good old masha again, and that's nice to have. Her and Sam broke up last week -- didn't I call that one! Remember, not to long ago I said "sometimes the obvious is hard to see" meaning they needed to break up. She's not to happy about it, which is natural. But she's back to the true her and thats nice.
The trimesters coming to an end. And all I want to do is find some fricking romance. I like so many guys it's crazy. and I don't even have time for one! Oh well...
... But do you know what I mean? I'm just in the mood to feel incredibly sexy, flirt with tons of guys and look hot everyday. I just feel like it! I just feel like having fun, innocent fun. I just feel like being the hottest girl around and having many gal pals. Then having tongs of guy friends that i can flirt with... you know, that kind of stuff.
I wonder if I'll get have a valentine this year. I've only had a valentine once in my life and that was 8th grade when my crush (Ben Krupp - duh) bought me a cute little card. I want a valentine. But thats a while to wait. oh well!
chat later i guess.

Be someones man but never again mine!
I'm getting a perm.
He called me. A couple times that is. And I already gave him a loan that he will never pay back. 8 months we heard nothing from each other, and all of a sudden he was back in my life. Nothing changed. Things only got worse. So you can be somebodys baby, but you'll never again get to be mine.
I'm scared. He might be crazy. So whos evers life you're apart of, it's not going to be mine. Cuss and yell at me as much as you want, you will not conivince me this time that it's all my fault.
So I'm getting a perm. Excited? Yes! Nervous? Hell yes!

My sophmore crush (secretly still my crush) has been paying an aweful lot of attention to me latley. Even asked for my number. And this other guy -- that two of my friends drool over -- he said "hey sexy" to me in the hall. And this other cuties been flirting a lot latley. And masha said that latley I've been a "pimp-et". And Rylie told me I have to many guys in my life. I guess my short winter depression prevented me from seeing it, but I guess they're right! So let the romance begin, because I'm sick of being lonely. Randy is officialy out of my life, I got my closure and now I'm free! BRING IT ON BOYS.

And I'm getting a perm. Maybe I'll also go blonde. We'll see. But I'm excited because I'm free. I dealt with him for a total of two and a half years (two years and five months to be exact), and I'm done! So thank you Randy for being an ass. Thank you for being stupid. Thank you for trying to make me sad, because you weren't successfull this time and now I'm stronger. My back feels so much lighter. Thank you. I'm finaly free.